When You Think Of Your Ex During Sex: What Now?

I had tears in my eyes. My new partner didn't realize it.

He invited me for a glass of wine, a valiant attempt at climate control on a recent sweltering night in New York City. He poured me the Sauvignon Blanc, hoping it would cause some overheating. His window AC labored diligently as he tried to free me of my corset. Confused by my medieval choice of dress, he was determined to be my knight in no sweat-pants armor.

I had been seeing him for a month or two and was excited—excited to take off clothes, to feel lips on my skin, and to feel the cool air giving me goosebumps. I was also excited to forget about my past and have him enter my future.

Then, amid our engineered heat stroke, I was jolted into a new reality. Instead of his hands on my hips, it was my ex’s fingers digging into my skin. Instead of him whispering into my ear, it was my ex’s voice haunting me. It wasn’t the first time I had thought about my ex during sex, but now it had been several months since we had broken up. This ghost of the past was becoming more like Casper, the (un)friendly ghost, ruining my chance of satisfying intimacy on many evenings.

Sexual and emotional intimacy can be difficult after heartbreak. Often, anxiety and unprocessed pain can dampen our libidos after a relationship ends and make us wonder if we’ll ever return to our old (horny) selves. I’ve always believed that sexual empowerment is really the ability to listen to your own needs and tend to your emotions as they arise. Our libidos go through seasons, and the more in tune and accepting of ourselves we are, the easier it becomes to ride the waves of the peaks and valleys of your experience.

That night, against all my good advice, I was thoroughly frustrated about the feelings that came up and the intruding images from the past that kept ruining my present experience. I know we’re all allowed to change our minds midway through a sexual encounter, even if we were initially turned on and excited to go further. But when my ex popped into my mind that evening, I was trying to ignore the messages my body was sending. “Get it together,” I told myself. “Don’t let this ruin the night for you!” But just like when you’re told not to do something, fighting the images didn’t make them disappear; it made them more persistent.

Later that night, I lay in the man’s arms, and silently, a couple of tears rolled down my cheek. He didn’t notice, which I was grateful for. Yes, it could’ve been a moment of connection between us, but I was still getting to terms with what I had just experienced. Even though my heart and mind seemed open to a new connection, my body still held on to the past. And, even though my mind deemed it frustrating, my heart knew it was all right to feel that way. My body needed time to align with my evolving emotions.

Ultimately, I’ve learned that healing is not a linear process and that even if it seems inconvenient, I am responsible for listening to and caring for myself. Acceptance and patience are key, allowing me to gradually embrace new connections without the shadow of the past looming over me.

Have you ever thought about an ex during sex? How did you deal with it? Share in the comments below!